L.A.M.B.S.

The muting of a woman's voice isn't a new issue but it's a lingering problem in our world. As much as we chant that girls run the world -- in most countries and boardrooms and in many homes -- women still don't have a voice. I'm not talking about having a place at the table. Being in the room and being heard and respected are two very different things. I recently met with a colleague to talk about our career paths and obstacles to our success. Each of us has a seat at the table but I'm usually muted because I'm a woman of color. She's muted because she's considered "edgy". What does that even mean? A woman can't ask difficult questions or bring up uncomfortable subjects without being labeled difficult, outspoken or edgy. A woman of color can't speak passionately about a topic without being called angry or aggressive. We're not heard in the boardroom but we're also not heard at home or in society. I believe that our sil...

N othing is as painful as believing that you’re responsible for what someone did to you. And nothing is as condemning as the shame and guilt of the choices you made because of your assumed responsibility.  If I knew then what I know now Would’ve not been hard to figure out What I would’ve changed if I had heard Dear younger me It’s not your fault You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross The first time I heard  Dear Younger Me , I was overwhelmed with a sense of . . . truth. In three minutes and thirty-seven seconds, my life changed. I was abused multiple times in my childhood. As a little girl, I believed and accepted that I’d done something wrong. That I'd put out some weird energy that brought those people to me. I thought that maybe I was too nice or too cute. When I was older and it happened again, I believed that I was responsible for the cycle.  I accepted that I owned the pain and I caused the suffering. Even worse, I thought...

Even though I love this crazy life Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride Dear younger me, dear younger me If I knew then what I know now Condemnation would’ve had no power My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth We’ve all thought, “If I knew then what I know now, I would have . . . “ fill in the blank with a better choice, the straighter path, a more thoughtful decision, what you think is the right thing to do. I’ll be honest, I don’t know what I would have done if I knew then what I know now. I was a little girl who’d been violated. I’d lost my innocence, my hope, my childhood.  And for two decades, I made choices from a place of deep, searing pain. I did whatever I had to do to protect myself. I made a choice to survive, to hide, to fade away into the darkness. And the people who should have pulled me out let me sink deeper into a private hell. No one offered a helping hand, a kind word, a hug, a kiss, a word of encouragement. They didn’t even notice that...

Dear younger me I cannot decide Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life Or do I go deep And try to change The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me No one likes to be told that they’ve done something wrong – or is it just me? I’ll listen to you talk all day if you’re going to share something that may change my life, but if your speech turns into a lecture – no thank you. The bottom line is that the power of life and death live in your tongue. And honestly, people don’t need another speech about what they should have done or what you would have done differently if you were in their shoes. But do you want to know what is powerful? Your story. Your vulnerability. Your testimony. Your shortcomings. Your lessons learned. And your willingness to share – all of it. The good things in life are – well, good. But it’s the challenges in life that build character, strength, and resilience. I’ve never heard anyone tell a story where ev...

I wonder how much different things would be Dear younger me Our minds have the ability to dream about the future and remember the past.  I’d bet that most of us spend our time thinking about what we could have or should have done differently. We spend countless hours, days, and years replaying events and wondering what would have happened if we made a different choice. We ask ourselves questions like: What if I’d fought harder? What if I’d gone to school when I had the chance? What if I’d asked for more money when I took the job? What if I’d stayed instead of leaving? What if I’d left when it happened the first time? What if I’d chosen a different profession? What if I’d chosen a different mate? What if . . . and the list goes on. We spend the precious time that we have now running through scenarios that could have, maybe, possibly changed our current situation. We play the blame game. We cry. We get angry. We. Waste. Time.  I believe the only rea...

If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far Then you could be One step ahead Of all the painful memories still running thru my head Last night, I reminisced about experiences I hadn’t thought about in over twenty years. Fleeting emotions ran through my Spirit – shame, sadness, anger, disappointment. My shame doesn’t come from the abuse – it comes from all of the wrong choices I made as a result of the abuse. But what was I to do as I matured into a young woman? By the time I was sixteen, I’d been sexually assaulted three times and molested by a babysitter.  One thing I know for sure is that when you’ve experienced trauma, you find ways to cope. One of my tactics was to compartmentalize the pain. It helped me get through some of the most challenging years of my childhood.  My innocence was gone. My rose-colored glasses shattered. My Spirit fell asleep. I functioned in a spiritual twilight throughout my high school and college years – partially aw...

Dear younger me Where do I start? Have you ever heard a song that hit you in the gut like a well-choreographed jab from a seasoned fighter? A song that you can’t stop singing because the lyrics resonate with every part of your life? Dear Younger M e by MercyMe is one of those songs. The first time I heard it, I had such a visceral reaction that I thought I might have to pull over and steady myself. By the fourth verse I was a sobbing mess and could barely see the road. The line touched a place so deep in my Spirit that I knew God was speaking to me. I still tear up when I hear it. I bought the song and played it on repeat for weeks. Sometimes for hours a day. Weird, right? I thought so . . . until I realized that those words were opening up some part of me that closed long ago. The entire song was a prayer or was it an answered prayer? It brought up memories and feelings that I didn’t know I had. It also made me think – what would I tell my younger self if I had the c...

Hello. It's me. I've been recovering from injuries and not writing the blog, I'm sorry. I hope that you'll see it. I've been dreaming about this entry for weeks and so here it is, please read it. . . Well, it's been a few months and there's so much going on. As you may have read in another post, I've been training in Krav Maga for the past year or so. Last November, I tested for my orange belt. Got it! But, at what cost? I tore my rib cage and blew out my knee. Now before you start thinking, she's s a bad ass (I am), let me explain. I injured my knee about nine years ago and I've received treatment on and off during that time. As I progressed in my training the pain grew worse but I just popped an ibuprofen, drank some pineapple juice and kept it moving. I also wore a wrap and a brace to prevent further injury. As fate would have it, both my brace and my wrap flew off (literally) during my orange belt test. I didn't want to lose point...

As I read the posts of the women in one of my private Facebook groups, I found myself wanting to reach out to each of them to tell them that their lives aren't over. Each women had a story of sexual abuse: rape, incest, molestation. And so many of them are still hurting two, five, twenty, fifty years later. As I prayed for these women and the right words to say, God answered and said, "Tell them, don't get caught up in the moment." Reading my sisters' stories hurt me but the major difference is that I'm no longer caught up in that moment. At some point in my journey, I realized that one moment or even a series of moments should not and do not have the power to frame every other moment in my life. There are moments in our lives that we wish we could forget. Moments we wish never happened. Moments that we replay over and over again. The problem is that we become comfortable with those thoughts -- we begin to think about them on purpose, and that's whe...

During my twilight sleep this morning I heard, "Perfect love casts out fear." I'd fallen asleep last night asking God to help me overcome a few challenges in my life and this was His answer. I love when His answer is so clear and so specific, yet not what I expected to hear at all. He knows my heart better than I do and apparently I'm afraid. I shared in my last post, It's On , that I've consciously taken on the battle of reclaiming my body after years of abuse. As you know, I have a history of molestation, rape, and physical abuse. Like you, I've also experienced other trauma and sadness in my life. The pain of these experiences is tied up in my Body. That's not to say that my Mind and Spirit weren't affected but I've already won those major battles. Seven months ago, I decided to take my power back so I joined a martial arts studio. This past weekend I earned my Yellow 2 belt. I surprised myself. The intensity of my fighting was a direct ...

I've found that my healing is a journey. It's not a destination, it's a process. Each time I think I've arrived I find that there is more work to do. Once I conquered my Mind, I fought to return to Spirit. Now I'm fighting for my Body. When I was on the battlefield of my Mind I thought it was the worst battle of my life. As I fought to regain control of my thoughts, change my beliefs, and reroute the negativity I tired easily. It's difficult to unlearn what has taken a lifetime to acquire. Yet I kept pushing and praying, crying and laughing, fighting and winning. I learned that I'm stronger than the enemy would have me believe. Once I won that battle of my Mind I knew that I could go deeper and fight to return to Spirit. It was a fight to resurrect myself. If I had known that going in, I'm not so sure that I would have taken on the fight. I told God that I was ready to change and let go of ALL of the things that kept me trapped. It took seven years t...

I originally posted this on Facebook but I know all of you don't follow me there. So, I decided to post here. I'm feeling some type of way today. Every April, we acknowledge #sexualabuse and that's a good thing. People need to know that millions of people are sexually assaulted EVERY month, EVERY day, EVERY minute, around the world. I do not choose to fight for better laws or advocate for longer prison sentences. I choose to focus on the healing journey of the people who have been violated. Passing laws and advocating longer prison sentences for the offenders / attackers does absolutely nothing to help the victims who are struggling to live a 'normal' life every day. Raising money to fight the government is for some people, it's just not for me. I choose to do the hard work, the heavy lifting of talking to women, just like me, who have felt like their lives were taken from them. People whose innocence was snatched from them, whose joy was robbed, whose spi...

It's been over ten months since I posted here. I'm sorry. I can't begin to explain what the last ten months have been like but I've learned much and let go of much. One of the things I've let go of is the need to be perfect. It feels so good to say that. I don't know where this need to do everything perfectly originated but I'm going to go with my childhood. Most issues stem from that place. My parents were and are critical people and when you add sexual abuse to that, it just makes for one big 'I'll never be good enough party.' So, I've decided that going forward, I'm going to do things in my life, even if they aren't perfect. I can't count the opportunities and experiences that I've missed over the years -- all because things weren't 'just right' for me to move forward. I know I'm not the only one. I've beat myself up, put myself down, cried, screamed, and even stomped my feet when things didn't...

This month, I sat with Kamonda Posada , the host of Emerge 360, and we talked about my experience with sexual assault and sexual abuse, and why I feel so strongly about the LAMBS movement. It is a real and raw interview filled with grace, hope, and truth. God has been good to me. My love and my life is in Him and I pray that His light shines through me. I'd love to read your comments after you watch. God bless you. Please remember to keep in touch with me via the following: LAMBS website  YouTube Facebook Twitter

I spent over twenty years suffering in silence, thinking that I was the only one feeling the effects of rape, molestation, and abuse. I thought that I was the only one who had crying spells, trouble forming relationships, the inability to trust, drug abuse, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.  I thought that I was living in the darkness alone. I was wrong. When I decided to return to the Light and I began talking to others about my journey, I was astounded by how many women (and men) shared my fears and were experiencing the same feelings and behaviors as me. I cannot adequately express in writing what it felt like to know that I had brothers and sisters in this fight with me. I felt like I could breathe deeper, live fuller, and talk freely.  The realization that I was not alone literally changed my life. I hope that joining the movement of Ladies Aligning Mind.Body.Spirit. will change your life, too. I hope that this video touches you because it was quite emot...

If you have experienced sexual assault or sexual abuse, the darkness is pervasive. It is a fly on the wall that won't stop buzzing. It is the hum of your Mind that keeps you up at night. It is the negative thoughts that threaten to destroy every chance at happiness. The darkness is what has allowed you to 'cope' with the memories of the abuse. It offers you a safe place to hide when you feel the shame of all the wrong decisions you've made. The darkness hides you from the world and keeps people from really seeing you. The darkness is a comfortable place and being there is a love-hate relationship. You love the security that it offers but you hate that you want to get out and you don't know how. The darkness is the friend that constantly talks about you and doesn't care about your life or your future. It is the friend that gets on your nerves but you deal with it because it is the only friend you have. The darkness is your best friend and your worst enemy. ...

Most of us look in the mirror at least once per day but many of us avoid mirrors because they make us feel uncomfortable. We believe that our discomfort stems from our dislike of how we look on the outside, but I think it goes deeper than that. Sometimes we have a Mirror Mirror Moment. A precious moment in time when we catch a glimpse of ourselves as a Spirit. It is in these moments when we may feel the most uncomfortable. We look into our eyes and we see pain, disappointment, questions with few answers, confusion, doubt, and a desire for peace and joy in our lives. A Mirror Mirror Moment is an opportunity for us to evaluate our present circumstances. It’s a moment to ask ourselves the difficult questions like: Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? When is my life going to change? Why haven’t I achieved my dreams? How did I get here? As a woman who has experienced sexual assault or sexual abuse, or perhaps abuse of any kind, the...

Today was a day all about feelings. My son didn’t feel like going to school. I didn’t feel like cooking dinner. My husband didn’t feel like going to work. But guess what? We did all of those things anyway.  So many times in our lives we miss out on the blessing or on the reward because we act on what we feel like doing. How may times have you missed out on something special because you didn’t feel like doing what it took to make it happen? How many times have you given up on a dream because you didn’t feel like doing the work to make it come true? And so it is on our journey to healing from our past hurts. We want to be delivered. We want to be healed. We want to be free. The issue is that we don’t feel like doing the work that it takes to get there. Instead, we listen to our feelings, which are nothing more than our thoughts and you know what our thoughts are? They are small particles blown around by the ever-changing wind of our emotions and our minds. This is why it is...

I was watching an episode of What Not to Wear yesterday. Hey, don’t judge me. I like fashion and I like seeing Cinderella stories. Anyway, the episode was about a woman named Dolly. She was on the show because her friends recommended her for a makeover. Well . . . while she was going through the mandatory clothes shopping and aesthetic makeover, she had a seminal moment.  Each time the hosts mentioned to her that she was pretty and each time they asked her why she didn’t think so or why she didn’t feel that she was worthy of doing something nice for herself, she clammed up and got emotional. Eventually she let it out.  She was sexually abused as a child and one of the effects of that abuse was that she covered her body and dressed like a man to make herself less attractive and less noticeable. WOW! This was a woman who I’m guessing was in her forties or fifties at the time of filming. Yet, there she stood with tears in her eyes and with the small voice of a child, a...