L.A.M.B.S.

Dear younger me Where do I start? Have you ever heard a song that hit you in the gut like a well-choreographed jab from a seasoned fighter? A song that you can’t stop singing because the lyrics resonate with every part of your life? Dear Younger M e by MercyMe is one of those songs. The first time I heard it, I had such a visceral reaction that I thought I might have to pull over and steady myself. By the fourth verse I was a sobbing mess and could barely see the road. The line touched a place so deep in my Spirit that I knew God was speaking to me. I still tear up when I hear it. I bought the song and played it on repeat for weeks. Sometimes for hours a day. Weird, right? I thought so . . . until I realized that those words were opening up some part of me that closed long ago. The entire song was a prayer or was it an answered prayer? It brought up memories and feelings that I didn’t know I had. It also made me think – what would I tell my younger self if I had the c...

Hello. It's me. I've been recovering from injuries and not writing the blog, I'm sorry. I hope that you'll see it. I've been dreaming about this entry for weeks and so here it is, please read it. . . Well, it's been a few months and there's so much going on. As you may have read in another post, I've been training in Krav Maga for the past year or so. Last November, I tested for my orange belt. Got it! But, at what cost? I tore my rib cage and blew out my knee. Now before you start thinking, she's s a bad ass (I am), let me explain. I injured my knee about nine years ago and I've received treatment on and off during that time. As I progressed in my training the pain grew worse but I just popped an ibuprofen, drank some pineapple juice and kept it moving. I also wore a wrap and a brace to prevent further injury. As fate would have it, both my brace and my wrap flew off (literally) during my orange belt test. I didn't want to lose point...

As I read the posts of the women in one of my private Facebook groups, I found myself wanting to reach out to each of them to tell them that their lives aren't over. Each women had a story of sexual abuse: rape, incest, molestation. And so many of them are still hurting two, five, twenty, fifty years later. As I prayed for these women and the right words to say, God answered and said, "Tell them, don't get caught up in the moment." Reading my sisters' stories hurt me but the major difference is that I'm no longer caught up in that moment. At some point in my journey, I realized that one moment or even a series of moments should not and do not have the power to frame every other moment in my life. There are moments in our lives that we wish we could forget. Moments we wish never happened. Moments that we replay over and over again. The problem is that we become comfortable with those thoughts -- we begin to think about them on purpose, and that's whe...

During my twilight sleep this morning I heard, "Perfect love casts out fear." I'd fallen asleep last night asking God to help me overcome a few challenges in my life and this was His answer. I love when His answer is so clear and so specific, yet not what I expected to hear at all. He knows my heart better than I do and apparently I'm afraid. I shared in my last post, It's On , that I've consciously taken on the battle of reclaiming my body after years of abuse. As you know, I have a history of molestation, rape, and physical abuse. Like you, I've also experienced other trauma and sadness in my life. The pain of these experiences is tied up in my Body. That's not to say that my Mind and Spirit weren't affected but I've already won those major battles. Seven months ago, I decided to take my power back so I joined a martial arts studio. This past weekend I earned my Yellow 2 belt. I surprised myself. The intensity of my fighting was a direct ...

I've found that my healing is a journey. It's not a destination, it's a process. Each time I think I've arrived I find that there is more work to do. Once I conquered my Mind, I fought to return to Spirit. Now I'm fighting for my Body. When I was on the battlefield of my Mind I thought it was the worst battle of my life. As I fought to regain control of my thoughts, change my beliefs, and reroute the negativity I tired easily. It's difficult to unlearn what has taken a lifetime to acquire. Yet I kept pushing and praying, crying and laughing, fighting and winning. I learned that I'm stronger than the enemy would have me believe. Once I won that battle of my Mind I knew that I could go deeper and fight to return to Spirit. It was a fight to resurrect myself. If I had known that going in, I'm not so sure that I would have taken on the fight. I told God that I was ready to change and let go of ALL of the things that kept me trapped. It took seven years t...

I originally posted this on Facebook but I know all of you don't follow me there. So, I decided to post here. I'm feeling some type of way today. Every April, we acknowledge #sexualabuse and that's a good thing. People need to know that millions of people are sexually assaulted EVERY month, EVERY day, EVERY minute, around the world. I do not choose to fight for better laws or advocate for longer prison sentences. I choose to focus on the healing journey of the people who have been violated. Passing laws and advocating longer prison sentences for the offenders / attackers does absolutely nothing to help the victims who are struggling to live a 'normal' life every day. Raising money to fight the government is for some people, it's just not for me. I choose to do the hard work, the heavy lifting of talking to women, just like me, who have felt like their lives were taken from them. People whose innocence was snatched from them, whose joy was robbed, whose spi...

It's been over ten months since I posted here. I'm sorry. I can't begin to explain what the last ten months have been like but I've learned much and let go of much. One of the things I've let go of is the need to be perfect. It feels so good to say that. I don't know where this need to do everything perfectly originated but I'm going to go with my childhood. Most issues stem from that place. My parents were and are critical people and when you add sexual abuse to that, it just makes for one big 'I'll never be good enough party.' So, I've decided that going forward, I'm going to do things in my life, even if they aren't perfect. I can't count the opportunities and experiences that I've missed over the years -- all because things weren't 'just right' for me to move forward. I know I'm not the only one. I've beat myself up, put myself down, cried, screamed, and even stomped my feet when things didn't...