The New To Do

Sometimes, you must walk alone.

Today, I went for a morning walk to clear my head. You see, I made a big decision recently and since that moment, I’ve begun noticing things. I’ve noticed how people really are selfish. They ask how you are doing but they don’t really care. I mean, if they did, wouldn’t they come back to you with follow-up questions or call you to check on you later? When you talk to them, they tell you that they will support you and then conveniently forget you when their lives get busy. A typical conversation might go like this:

Them: “Hey, how are you doing? I was just thinking about you the other day.”

You: “Well, I’ve been feeling a bit low lately. You know, I just left the doctor’s office and the news wasn’t encouraging, and it’s challenging to build a ministry around a subject that no one wants to hear about.”

Them: “Oh yeah. I know. I had surgery last year, but I did fine. Remember how much pain I was in? Girl, I’m so glad you were there because I would have hurt those nurses. Oh, you’re still doing your ministry? That’s nice. What are you doing again? When is the next event? Anyway, I heard this woman speak at an event last week and she was awesome. The word was right on time for me . . .”

See what I mean? No interest in what’s really going on with me. So I’ve become what I call an active listener and a passive sharer. I actively listen to what you have to share with me. I mean, I am totally engaged. Mostly because I truly do care about what is going on with people in my life. But, here’s the thing. . . I am also that way with people that I meet, people that I work with, and my family, just about everyone. I remember what they tell me about themselves because I really do care about what they are sharing with me. So, I may see you a week later, a month later, or even a year later, and I’ll say, “How are you feeling? I know you were having trouble the last time we talked. Is your ministry doing well? Do you have anything new going on? How’s your son? Is he still playing lacrosse?” And then I’ll sit there and listen to your answer. Really listen.

I won’t share much about myself but I will give you a chance and I will share something with you. However, when you glaze over it and move on, I will move on. It’s as simple as that. You’ve met my unspoken expectation and I allow it to happen.

Sometimes I wonder if this is a lasting effect of sexual abuse. You know, when you spend your life caring about other people and making sure that they are okay but you neglect yourself? You could be on your death bed, coughing up blood, and urinating on yourself, but you’ll get up to make sure that dinner is on the table and that the laundry is clean and folded. You’ll answer every text message and every email to make sure that everyone receives a good Word from you. And then when someone finally asks you how you are doing, you’ll take a huge gulp of water to avoid choking on your own sputum and say, “Oh, I’m fine. How are you?”

I used to think that this caring nature was a good thing. In fact, I thought it was a great thing. Wow! Look at me, I’m a caregiver! I’m the one that everyone comes to when they need a listening ear or when they need advice or when they need someone to help them with their kids or their marriage or their resume. Until . . . I had this crazy notion that maybe it was time to start putting myself first. Gasp. . .

Yep, I said it. It’s time to put myself first. That was my first thought. My second thought was more of an internal monologue and it went something like: “Put myself first . . . isn’t that selfish of me? Shouldn’t I be caring about others and loving them as Christ loves us? I mean, I’m a strong woman. I’ve come through a lot. I’ve got a family to take care of, a ministry to build, a PTA to run, and then there’s my volunteer work .  .  . I don’t have time to put myself first, do I? I’m not sure about this.”

You see how I did that? I almost talked myself right out of caring about the most important person in my life: ME.

Now, back to walking alone.

As an Overcomer, you’re used to fighting battles on your own and you’re used to saving everyone else. However, there will come a time when you are looking for someone to save you. You will want someone to put you at the top of his or her list for a change. You will need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. And that’s when you’ll learn the lesson . . .

I hate to disappoint you, but it’s probably not going to happen, and it’s not going to happen because you’ve set it up this way. You’ve already taught people how to treat you. You’ve portrayed yourself as the strong one—the one who made it all on her own. The one who didn’t need counseling or therapy to deal with her issues. The one who always had an encouraging Word for others and didn’t say a thing about herself. You’ve painted the picture of yourself as the strong one, the resilient one, the wise one, the independent one, the survivor, the warrior, the Overcomer.

So, now that you’ve decided to put yourself first, you’re expecting everyone else to do the same? Girl, please.

It’s an unrealistic expectation and you will be consistently disappointed. By choosing to put yourself first, you will immediately notice that it’s what everyone else around you has been doing all along. You’re late to the party!

Not only have they put themselves first but they’ve also been pretty selfish about it. They’ve abused your friendship, your kindness, and your trust. In fact, their selfishness is what makes you think that putting yourself first will make you selfish. But that is where you are wrong.

Putting yourself first means that you are taking care of yourself. It means that you are eating right, that you are sleeping enough, and that you are getting the proper amount of exercise. It means that you relax when you need to, that you do something that YOU want to do for a change. It means that you tell people your likes instead of always asking about their likes. It does not mean that you will care about other people less. It just means that you will love yourself more.

You will learn to say, “No.” You will learn to slow down and enjoy a good book or a cup of your favorite tea every now and then. You will take a long bath for no reason at all except that you want to enjoy the peace of being alone with your thoughts. And, yes, you will let go of some people. You will let go of some things. You will finish the job and that’s it. You will go easier on yourself and stop trying to be perfect. You will back away from anything that does not serve your higher good. You will focus on your dreams.

You will also notice that people will fall away from you. Once they realize that they can no longer consume all of your energy they will be forced to find another energy source. You will become angry, or at the least, disappointed by those who claimed to love you. You will notice how they have always fulfilled their dreams and how seldom they actively listened to you and supported your dreams. You may notice just how alone you really are, and then you will be sad.

You’ll blame the world for not caring about you. You’ll yell at God for not making things easy for you. You’ll curse people for not loving you and for taking advantage of you. You’ll scream. You’ll cry. You’ll raise your fists to the air and mourn for the love you’ve lost. And then something amazing will happen . . .

You’ll dry your eyes. You’ll wipe your nose. You’ll straighten your clothes. Then you will say a prayer thanking God that He has never left you nor forsaken you. You will realize that you’re an Overcomer. You’ll thank Him for removing the dead weight from your life. You’ll thank Him for the revelation that you are worthy and that it’s okay to think about yourself, right after you think about Him. Then, you’ll get up and write a new ‘To Do’ list for your life:

#1 Love God

#2 Love yourself

Selah