Buried Alive (The REAL Reason for L.A.M.B.S.)

As a child, I was molested by my babysitter and by a family member. As a teenager, boys from my neighborhood raped me. The first time I was molested, I thought the child in me died. I lost my innocence, sense of wonder, trust, optimism, stability, happiness, and other things that I didn’t discover until I got older.

As a woman, I have repeatedly relived every painful moment and result of the abuse, and I have realized that the little girl in me didn’t die...she was buried alive. When I thought about my life and burst into tears, the little girl was mourning. When I had trouble trusting people and forming relationships, the little girl was resisting. When I insisted on controlling everything around me, the little girl needed structure and security. When I functioned in chaos while everyone around me was falling apart, the little girl was making sense of it all, so that she could go on living.

For years, I struggled with the dichotomy of self. There was the strong and confident woman who took care of everyone else and was a pillar of strength. The woman that everyone wanted to promote and consult. I spent my life gaining strength and hiding my weaknesses. Then there was the woman that I struggled to become, the woman who wanted to be present. The woman who wanted to tell her truth and walk in complete freedom. The woman who is still strong, but not fighting anymore.

It’s hard being buried alive.

First, my Spirit was freed. I built a relationship with God as a teenager, but I messed up so badly that I didn’t think He could ever forgive me. As I aged, I worked on strengthening our relationship by reading the Word and spending time with Him. I learned to forgive the people who wronged me and I forgave myself. It was not as easy as it sounds, but that’s a story too long for this entry.

Next, I had to subdue my Mind. It’s true, it is the devil’s playground. I finally realized the truth—I was buried alive and it was all in my mind. There were memories I had buried so deeply that it took years to dare and focus on them. When I decided to face them, it almost killed me. I ate more, I drank more, and I cried more...but I also prayed more. I sought His face more. I read more, I studied more, and I learned to think differently. I completely changed my worldview.

Finally, I realized that my body was an outer manifestation of my experiences. Others had taken control over my body when I was a child and I didn’t think it belonged to me anymore, so I let it do whatever it wanted to do. My flesh was weak even though my Spirit was strong. Now, I have pushed my body beyond the limits that I set for myself and I’m still here! I’ve learned that my body is capable of things that I never imagined and it feels good. It’s MY body and I decide what to do with it and how to treat it.

Today, I walk in freedom. Today, I have told you my truth and now I am able to walk with confidence in the purpose that God has for my life. I’ve realized that He chose me and recommended me for the promotion. He knew that I could stand whatever the enemy threw at me and that ultimately, I could triumph and shine for His glory.

My purpose is to help other women find this freedom. My purpose is to use Ladies Aligning Mind, Body, and Spirit (L.A.M.B.S.) to educate, enlighten, and empower women who have survived sexual and physical abuse.

Is it scary? Absolutely! Am I going to do it anyway? You bet! The vision is huge and I intend to bring it to fruition.

In order for me to start L.A.M.B.S., I had to dig up the little girl who was buried inside of me. I had to let her live. I had to walk through her pain and I had to acknowledge that God was there through it all. He knew that one day I would stand up for women and help them to heal, regain their strength, and live wholly again. He also knew that I would have to learn to do those things on my own—no counseling, no therapy, no twelve-step program—just Him and me.

With dirt under my nails and blood on my hands, I have scratched and clawed my way to the surface again. I face the light squinting, with a smile in my heart and on my face. The sun warms my spirit and the wind whispers in my ear, “Welcome back. We’ve been waiting for you. Now, let’s get to work.”

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If you are a survivor of sexual or physical abuse, I hope that you will become a member of or subscriber to this blog. If you know someone who may benefit from this movement, I pray that you will share this blog with them. This is only the beginning of the vision.

I welcome your comments and look forward to hearing from you. —Nicole