The Ex Factor — Part 3: Extremes


This entry took a long time to write because it is the most personal. I wanted to write in my usual format but I know that someone needs to read this and realize that there are millions of us who fight against extreme living.

As a survivor of childhood molestation, sexual assault, and sexual abuse, I spent most of my life being angry and sad. As a child, I had behavioral issues and I was depressed. As a teenager and young adult, I turned to drugs and alcohol to help me deal with the pain. As an adult, I have worked myself to the brink of death (literally) and I have filled my life with thoughts and activities that keep me from focusing on my past. This usually works well, but there are still moments when the pain overwhelms me.

Over the last three years, I prayed earnestly to God, asking Him to help me to let it all go. I was tired of hurting and I was tired of letting the abuse affect every aspect of my life. Today, I’ve come a long way in my healing journey but I have to be honest—some days are bad days. Some days I think about what happened and I’m angry. I wonder why no one was there to protect me when I was a child. I wonder why my parents didn’t do more for me when they saw me slipping away. I’m saddened because everyone thought that I was a ‘wild child’ and didn’t bother to ask me, WHY? Some days, I’m hurting because I find it hard to believe that people used me and violated my body and just walked away. I’m stunned that boys in my neighborhood could throw me down in a field and rape me on the walk home from school. I’m crushed that a babysitter came into our home and molested me while my parents were out having fun. I’m angry that they didn’t exercise better judgment. 

Some days, the pain overwhelms me and I can hardly breathe. Some days, I wonder why I have survived it all.  I think, where is my life headed? What am I to learn from the pain and how can I use it to bless other people, now that I am so far along in my healing journey?

These are the days that I find myself living out the extremes. I’m either joyful or absolutely miserable. I wake up crying and I go to bed laughing. In the morning, I’m filled with disgust for those who hurt me, but in the evening, I’m on my knees praying for them again.

Most days, I live in a blissful medium (the gray). My days are filled with the love and laughter of my family, and I go to bed with a smile on my face. I’ve learned to live a fairly balanced life. But then an hour or a day or a week like this one comes out of nowhere and I struggle to get back to the bliss.

For many survivors of abuse, the world is black and white. There is no room for the gray space. Survivors tend to see life as:
•   Good or bad
•   Love or hate
•   Promiscuity or chastity
•   Spontaneous or planned
•   Ordered or chaotic
•   Happy or sad
•   Friend or enemy
•   Trust or distrust

Over the years, I’ve learned that living life with extremes is dangerous and it is unhealthy. You create a cycle of rejection, disappointment, and fear. As survivors and thrivers, our challenge is to force ourselves to find balance in the gray area. Every difficult situation requires intentional thought and focus. We have to gain control over our thoughts lest they turn into fears, shame, disappointment, and pain.

At some point, we must decide that we are committed to exposing ourselves to a new and beautiful life. We must stop making excuses for why we aren’t living fully and why we don’t have the things or the people in our lives that we desire. We have to stop judging things in black and white and realize that life is all about the gray areas in between.

We are on a journey to peace and understanding. Most days can be great days and we need to embrace them. We must allow our present joy to seep into our skin and live in our cells, like an antidote that will spread throughout our bodies, heal us of the pain, and strengthen us for the next fight.

Fill your Mind with intentional, good thoughts about yourself and your life. Celebrate the fact that you are still here. You made it. It didn’t kill you and you still have a chance to live the life of your dreams.

Fill your Body with healthy foods and water. Go for long walks for no reason at all and breathe in the fresh air, knowing that you are free. Look in the mirror and learn to love what you see. You are a work in progress.
Fill your Spirit with peace today, so that peace will sustain you when you are in crisis. Read the Word or meditate on your favorite quote or affirmation and let your Spirit be filled with appreciation for the journey.

Take a moment each day to remind yourself that you are not just a survivor, you are a victor. The enemy tried to take you out but no weapon formed against you has prospered.

Wherever you are, know that I AM there with you in Mind, Body, and Spirit, cheering you on and wishing you peace on your journey. May God bless you and keep you. May His face continually shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.

Peace and Blessings,
Nicole

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Comments

  1. She Grows Daily5/20/13, 7:47 AM

    Absolute Tears!!! Awesome just awesome. You are an amazing writer. Could sit and read your thoughts all day. Love ya!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Teresa R6/3/13, 4:41 AM

    Amazing as always.

    ReplyDelete

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